


lifter

by eraserheadbaby



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Canon - Manga, F/F, One-Sided Attraction, Sexual Confusion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 07:06:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17421305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eraserheadbaby/pseuds/eraserheadbaby
Summary: The one hour she managed to spend alone with Yui feels both like a blessing and a curse.





	lifter

What made Mari believe that she could spend so much time alone with Yui?

The thing is, Mari had been struggling with this one biology course for a long time now. While they were in class, Yui noticed her cursing and grimacing over her book and offered to help her with the course, maybe show her some of the most difficult exercises. Kind as always. Besides, of course Yui would be the one to tutor her. She was the smart one, and Mari was the dumb one. That's just how it was. Mari felt the unfairness of her self imposed status quo choking her. What had Yui done to deserve to be so much smarter than her? Yui had barely finished voicing her offer and Mari's fingers already ached with the need to grab her by the hair and smash her face against the desk.

Yui's offer also awakened something entirely different inside her. A peculiar type of hunger, that called for Mari to be as close to Yui as possible. To be drowned by her kindness, her beauty and her brilliance, if even for a morning of studying. It was probably that hunger that moved her throat muscles and made her blurt out a curt acceptance to Yui's proposal. But Mari convinced herself it was just the desperation to pass this damned class.

And that's how she ended up sitting next to Yui on a bench on campus, books and coffees all around them. Mari's somehow made it through an hour like this, even though the dizziness is threatening to make her faint. Watching Yui solve demanding exercises with astonishing ease, listening to her effortlessly explain theories, seeing her greet so many other students so charmingly... it's revolting. It's intoxicating. Mari is furious at Yui for being perfect and furious at herself for not being better than her. She's doubly furious at herself for being so drawn to Yui, attracted to the point of unhealthiness.

“Mari, is everything alright?”, Yui suddenly asks her, her standard smile on her face. So her turmoil shows that much, even to outsiders.

“Of course”, Mari quickly brushes off Yui's worried question. Again with the kindness. It worked like a magnet pole, making everyone around Yui glued to her like moths to a flame. Everyone had the best to say for her, and despite the large amount of attractive women in their school, it was her that men seemed to be truly fond of. Meanwhile, Mari barely speaks to anyone besides Yui and Kyoko— if what she does even counts as speaking in the first place —and she can't remember a man ever showing genuine interest for her.

Eventually, Mari would find a man too and then Yui would see... but she has no idea what she wants the man to look like. That makes no sense, all women are supposed to gush about the men they like, aren't they? And even if she found the “man”, what would a relationship with him be like? She'd go out on dates, kiss him, have sex with him. Mari feels the need to do all these things with the “man”, but not the want. Her brain seems dead set on bombarding her with these concepts of “men” and “relationships”, yet that's all they remained— concepts, standing on her psyche like soulless mannequins.

And amongst the chaos, Yui's kind smile that she saw just minutes ago appears in her mind once again. Obviously, it's Yui trying to comfort her in these confusing times, that's what she'd do for anyone. Except this is not the real Yui, this is the Yui of her mind. Her smile isn't a simple act of courteousness, it's something reserved only for Mari's eyes, and its glow both enlightens and blinds them.

The concepts of “men” and “relationships” suddenly blend in with Yui's image and feel less empty. Mari wants the “man” to have silky brown hair, calming eyes and a smile tender enough to melt the heart. She wants “him” to be gentle, warm and shockingly sharp, a true genius. She wants to go out on dates, show “him” all the interesting places she's found while walking alone around town, kiss “him”, kiss those rosy lips that form those lovely smiles, have sex with “him”, touch that milky skin, see it redden and glisten and hear that sweet voice be tarnished with obscene gasps and moans. Mari doesn't want “him”, she wants Yui.

Mari also wants Yui to stay as far away from her as possible. Yui embodies the ideal woman, combining looks, personality and brains, everything Mari was so mediocre or downright terrible at. Just by existing, and without even knowing it, Yui shows her just how insignificant, unremarkable, worthless she is and smothers her in self loathing. Mari hates Yui as much as she hates herself.

“Are you sure you're alright?”, Yui breaks her out of her thoughts one more time, being her usual caring, perfect, pretty little self. But Mari simply can't take it anymore.

“I need to go”, Mari grabs her books and forgotten coffee and leaves without further explanation, rude as always. More accurately, even ruder than normal, as she has repeatedly been with Yui.

During the walk back to her dorm room, Mari collects many perplexed stares. Usually, she hates becoming the center of attention in such ridiculous ways, but today she can't help her body's reflexes. Her stomach is flooded with dread that's making tears flow from her eyes, while her chest blooms with giddiness, contorting her wet face with smiles she can't tame.

The one hour she managed to spend alone with Yui feels both like a blessing and a curse.

**Author's Note:**

> pls read the eva manga, if only for the extra chapter


End file.
